Jihad

Sara paced outside alone in the cold dark. Her head was filled with dark conflicting thoughts.

Sara: Just leave me alone Sary. I know how I feel.

Sary: No you don’t that is why I am here. I tell you how to make sense of things.

Sara: Then make sense of it. Go on, let’s hear you try.

Sary: You have had a build up of emotions that’s all.

Sara: I want to leave. I want to fly away and be somewhere other than here. I don’t want to be here any more. I can’t burst out of my chest.

Sary: And where would you go?

Sara: Anywhere but here.

Sary: You know that your work is not yet done. There is still so much more that you have to do. It was why you were put on this earth.

Sara: But am I not allowed to live. I want to love and I want to be happy.

Sary: That is not your purpose. Happiness is not for everyone. You are a commodity to be used by all then discarded.

She thought about what Sary had said. The images of her life flashed before her minds eye like snippets of a movie. Sara’s family only needed her for her money, the work she did at home and the honour her good acts brought to them. She was their instrument not their daughter and she was to remain with them until the day she died.

Further thoughts came into her mind of lovers that taken all they could from her and once satisfied left, never to be seen again. It was never what she wanted but she kept making the same mistakes thinking that each time she was getting closer to finding someone who would love her.

Sara: I don’t want this anymore. I want to die.

The cold wind reminded her of her fear of the grave however she felt that such a prison would be better than the one she was in at the moment.

Sary: You still have so much more you need to give. Until every last part of you has gone there will be no rest. Sara you know I am right. I have been with you every day of your life. The things that I am saying come from a place of truth.

Demon: You have done it now. He will never love you.

Sara: Shut up.

It had been some time now since she had walked away from her friends just before the panic had started to set it. Amongst them was another mistake waiting to happen.

Demon: He doesn’t love you and never will.

Sary: He has a point.

Sara: Whose side are you on anyway?

Sary: If he cared he would be here wouldn’t he? You are not right for him. You toxic to him.

Sara: But I want to love. I do love him. He must also love me too.

Sary: He doesn’t and you are not allowed too. That is not what you have been placed on this earth to do. You do good things. You protect and heal and nurture and care but that is all. Sara you guide people to where they need to be and that is it. You are like a bridge that needs to be crossed or a means through a difficult journey. You are the spoon that pours the soup or the star that guides the way. However, in the end when you’ve done your job you leave and are seen no more.

Demon: You are going to fail.

Sary: You are not helping.

Demon: They are all waiting for you to fall on your knees. Then they will laugh.

Sara: I don’t want to do this anymore.

Sary: Close down your heart and feel no more. Become the queen of snow. It is the only way you will be a peace. You will be free this way I promise. Because you won’t hurt anymore; you won’t feel anymore.

Sara: I want love.

Demon: You don’t deserve it.

Sara pulled out her phone and began to write a text.

Sara: (text message) I am toxic for you. I am going to take a step back and leave you alone. In this life you will become stronger and better but I will remain the same as I am. Damaged. You don’t need me. I will still be around only not with you.

She ended the message and sent it to the man that had taken her heart this time. Tears rolled from her eyes as her heart broke yet another time.

Demon: Boohoo. Crying again are we?

Sary: Leave her alone she has suffered enough tonight.

Demon: Fine but I will be back.

Sary: You always are.

Sara: Why can’t I be like everyone else and live?

Sary: Don’t ask such stupid questions. This is your lot. Now get home. It’s cold out here.

Sara: I want to be away from everyone.

Sary: I know you do.

Demon: Remember, we are always with you.

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