Yesterday I took an overdose of a mixture of medication in the hopes it would put me into a deep coma that I wouldn’t wake up from for at least 2 weeks. On waking up in the morning I was really disappointed that it didn’t work and proceeded to take more pills. 

After spending the day in the hospital I was taken home.Thinking I was feeling better today I went to work. Not the best idea. I had an appointment with my councillor today and told her of my wishes to leave my body. Now I’m under 24 hour supervision and waiting for the urgent treatment team to get in touch with me.

The truth being I can’t promise not to do it again, or worse. I’ve been signed off work for one week to start with.

Im telling you this not because I want your sympathy, your pity or distaste. I’m not seeking attention or feeling sorry for myself either. I currently feel nothing. I am telling you this because there is a little part of me that wants to live despite of the big part of me that doesn’t. 

The big part of me doesn’t want to get better either. It is telling me to take more pills, but they have all been hidden from me. The big part of me wants to walk with my eyes closed into traffic. And it has told me not to eat much as well. 

I don’t know how this is going to end. I just hope it’s soon. And painless. 

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