Over the last two weeks I have been thinking about what drove me to take as many pills as I did. Why did I want to put myself into a deep sleep, one in which I might not have woken up from? And where am I going now with it?
The answers I have come back with are hollow. I spoke to a friend of mine the other day about it and she told me that there must be something more that has brought you to this point.
She might be right but I couldn’t tell you what.
The conclusion that I have come to are;
- Loneliness. Having a lifestyle that revolves around going to work, coming home and weekly meeting with people to play games just lacked something. I have no one to come home to so that I can share the pros and cons of the day. Moan about how my boss was unfair or a customer made me smile. Of course part of that is my fault for not putting myself out their enough however some people out there, most that I have met, don’t really give you the sense of wanting more than just a passing affair.
- Self worth. For a while I have felt like a useful tool not a person. What I mean is that people need me around them because I bring a service that they need. I may do well with customers or keep the house clean or a great shoulder to cry on. A friend even told me that she needed me more than I needed her. Which sounds lovely but didn’t help. I guess a sense on wanting would be great. To have someone who wants to be with you no matter what.
- Mental peace. It has been 14 years since I was given my diagnoses of mental illness and I feel no further along the path than I did when I went started out. I get pushed back an forth from specialist to doctor to someone else. I am tired.
- And this is the last thing. Moving on. I am where I was 10 years ago. My friends and family have got married had kids moved all over. I am still in the same place. Of course I had an early start. Getting on the property ladder fast and working but its the little comforts in life I have missed out on.
Now you have read this far and wondering what this has to do with the picture above. Well I think that is what my life is all about. I am the little bit of light in the life of others. I am the one that is here to make their life easier or brighter or help them through the darkness. It doesn’t matter where I am because they are the ones that matter.
My friends, family and people I meet have so much more to offer this world/life and it is my job to make sure that their journey is not as bad as it could be.
Sounds very anti-climatic however it is the only way I think that it will work. I’m at the top of my life circle so all that is left to do is share it with everyone else.