7 Days Later

It has been one week since I took an overdose of a cocktail of my medication and I thought I best check in with an update.

To say the last week as hard would be putting it mildly. I have been under 24hour watch which means I can’t even cross the street without someone with me. Oh and if my phone rings and I don’t answer it then there is a man hunt out for me. I don’t blame them for the restrictions they have put on me but at the same time I could do without them.

My body feels weak. My depression makes me want to sleep all the time and the empty feeling that I had a week ago hasn’t gone either. I still feel the deep, sad, horrible void that led me to take the pills in the first place.

My shrink has told me to take two weeks off work so I am signed off for one more week. Maybe that will pick up my mood however I doubt being at home for that long is going to change anything for me.

I have started to get out and see some friends. Just little outings to start with and tomorrow I am hoping to go on my own, with regular check-ins of course.

The one thing that keeps coming to my mind is the loneliness. Having an empty place in your heart where you keep someone you love tightly snuggled up inside. There may be a few people I would like to keep there but with the feelings far from being returned it brings me back to that emptiness.

Not to sure what the next week is going to look like. I want it to be better. If not then I want it to be over. It’s a sad truth and they say this is only my current state of mental health, it will pass.

With my current state of mental health no one is going to want to be around me. Which pushes me back into that lonely place. And the circle goes on.

If things change I will post again. If they don’t I’ll post anyway.

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Confession

Yesterday I took an overdose of a mixture of medication in the hopes it would put me into a deep coma that I wouldn’t wake up from for at least 2 weeks. On waking up in the morning I was really disappointed that it didn’t work and proceeded to take more pills. 

After spending the day in the hospital I was taken home.Thinking I was feeling better today I went to work. Not the best idea. I had an appointment with my councillor today and told her of my wishes to leave my body. Now I’m under 24 hour supervision and waiting for the urgent treatment team to get in touch with me.

The truth being I can’t promise not to do it again, or worse. I’ve been signed off work for one week to start with.

Im telling you this not because I want your sympathy, your pity or distaste. I’m not seeking attention or feeling sorry for myself either. I currently feel nothing. I am telling you this because there is a little part of me that wants to live despite of the big part of me that doesn’t. 

The big part of me doesn’t want to get better either. It is telling me to take more pills, but they have all been hidden from me. The big part of me wants to walk with my eyes closed into traffic. And it has told me not to eat much as well. 

I don’t know how this is going to end. I just hope it’s soon. And painless. 

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What Just Happened?

“Come over tonight and we can watch a movie?”

“Sure which one?”

“We can decide when you get over.”

Joe put his phone down. He picked up his keys and was out the door in a few moments. On the drive to Jason’s house he thought about the movies they could watch. He wasn’t in the mood for a comedy but a horror was always a good choice, a scary picture would just what he needed to after a long week at work. Parking outside Jason’s was easy, there was always plenty of space.

The bell hadn’t stopped ringing when the door was opened.

“You made it here quick,” Jason said with his usual welcoming smile. “Come on let’s go upstairs, we can watch it in my room.”

When the two entered the bedroom the small old style TV was on with some programme that wasn’t really that important for either of the young men to pay any attention too.

Joe sat down on the single bed. He took his shoes off and crossed his legs. This was the first time he had been in Jason’s room and even though it was small it seemed really nice. The two had not been friends for long even though they connected with each other really quickly. It was amazing how Jo was able to open up to Jason telling him that he was gay even though their conservative background was strictly against such things. Jason didn’t mind, he took Joe for who he was.

“So where is your girlfriend today?” Joe asked.

“She is with her parents so I thought this would be a great time to hang out.”

Even though it sounded like Joe was a second best choice to hang out with he didn’t pick up on the remark.

“What movies did you have in mind? I was thinking something scary. The werewolf one has just come out on DVD. Do you have it yet? Or can we stream it online?”

“I’ll have a look online.” Jason closed the door before he picked up his smart phone. Instead of searching for the movie he turned the music on putting the phone on the table next to the TV.

Not thinking too much of it Joe was looking through his own text messages when suddenly Jason was leaning over him. His arms were on either side of Joe, pressed against the wall and his smiling face looked down at him. All of a sudden, with a force that shook Joe, Jason started to kiss him on the neck. It wasn’t gentle nor was it romantic just a very hurried attempt to make contact.

“What are you doing?” Joe asked as Jason continued.

There was no answer instead he continued to kiss him roughly, biting the skin, bruising it as he did so.

Confusion struck Joe but his loneliness had mixed up the act as a sign of love.

“We should stop,” he said thinking about how this might hurt Jason’s girlfriend if she found out.

“Don’t you like it?” The kissing paused briefly only to resume.

In Joe’s thoughts he did like the attention, not having anyone show him affection for such a long time his muddled mind couldn’t see that he was being used.

He moved over on the bed to let Jason sit beside him only he ended up lying down instead.

What was going on here? This was not what he wanted.

Jason lay on top of Joe his hands roaming his body, finding their way under his garments.

Fear gripped Joe and so he allowed it to continue. Surely a little bit of kissing was going to be ok. He caught Jason on the lips and as they pressed together there was no parting from Jason’s side.

Odd.

Jason started to undress while Joe protested.

“You shouldn’t do that.” The words went unheeded.

Now nude Jason proceeded to remove Joe’s jogging bottoms. Again any protest was ignored. In the end after a few moments of fumbling Joe lay back and allowed Jason to do as he wished.

Exhaling with excitement, Jason proceeded to orally satisfy Joe. The sensation did please him even though in his mind he continued to repeat, ‘this isn’t right. It needs to end.”

Without completing his task, clearly board of it, Jason attempted to force Joe to return the favour. He held his head with one hand while he directed himself to Joe’s mouth with the other. Joe refused, keeping his mouth tightly shut. Jason soon gave up. Favouring another task instead. Spitting on Joe’s legs he squeezed them shut before inserting himself between the gap. Jason beat his body against his friends while he lay there lifeless, unaware of how  he had ended up in the situation he found himself in.

The kissing continued during the breaks between thrusting sessions. Then again Jason tried to force Joe to take him into his mouth. Joe refused once more.

Frustrated Jason got off Joe only to turn him around.

“No,” Joe said but it was happening anyway.

With his face in the pillow he gripped the bed tightly. Much to his surprise Jason did not enter into him but proceeded with the beating between his legs. It lasted less time than predicted and Joe knew it was over when he felt the warm liquid touch his bare skin.

Jason got up and wiped away the stain before putting his clothes back on.

Joe stood up naked. “I need to shower before I go home,” he said.

“You can’t my flat mate will be home soon. You are going to have to go.” Jason kept an eye out the window as he spoke.

Joe put on his clothes before trying to cuddle Jason and to kiss him. He was bated away and hurried out the door.

‘This must be what it feels like to be loved.’ Joe thought. He had known no different.

He was hurried out the door and as he left he asked Jason when he would meet again. ‘Soon,’ was the only answer he got.

Joe went home and showered. As he washed his bruised body his heart was torn between emotions. This wasn’t love, he knew that, but was this all he was worth? That night when he lay in his bed he felt used however mixed with his feelings of hurt there was a sense of pleasure. Someone wanted to be with him that night even if it was only his body they were after.

What was going on? What did it mean? Why did it happen like this?

These were questions that were never answered and next time they met it was only sex that Jason was after to which Joe refused. The two never spoke again even though the thoughts stayed with Joe for all the years of his life after.

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Toxic

Is it just me who finds themselves drawn to people who are simply no good for them?

It has taken me this long to figure out that I have a tendency to find myself attracted to people who are just awful. On the surface they come across prefect; nice personality, friendly, always wanting to talk to you and share their time with you but in the end it turns out that it was all a façade.

You would think that after as many years as I have had I would have picked up on this habit a long time ago and kicked it in the butt. Wrong! It was only when a friend mentioned to me that my latest crush followed the same pattern as most of the others.

“We get on really well and we are always messaging each other when we are not together,” I would say coyly. “It’s just so-and-so doesn’t really know what they want right now. In the end if nothing happens at least we will still be friends.”

Strung along partly by my own sense of needing to have someone and partly because I’m given a string to follow as well.

Another friend of mine also finds herself doing the same thing and in fact there was one occasion were we fell pray to the charms of the same guy. Not romantically may I add, that would just be weird. The story here was that he befriended us both, told us that we were his best friends and wanted to spend all his time with us. In the end we did all the chasing. He failed to reply to messages, he ignored us and would stand us up on occasion when we were meant to hang out. Now I know most people would have dropped him soon after the first incident however every time we did meet he was so apologetic and kind that it made us forget the rest of it.

That is just one incident I could go through a whole load more, only the story would be very much the same give or take a bit of drama.

Worst of all when I’m feeling depressed I’m at my weakest. That’s when these charmers are on the hunt, like sharks in the water with the scent of blood. This stupid feeling of loneliness pushes you into the direction of the most inappropriate people.

A bit of advice I was given once was ‘to never run back to what broke you.’ Sounds reasonable but when the same hammer comes in different packaging it is hard to recognise it until it comes crashing down on your Ming Vase.

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop these people early on?

The trouble also can be found in the trust that it breaks with each failed relationship. Scared tissues is ripped, healed, ripped, partly healed and so forth until it becomes so tender that you hide it away.

I’ve also heard it said the ones you want to keep in your life will chase after you. Not had much of that so maybe I’m not in the right places.

It doesn’t matter if it is romance or friendship the pattern for me seems to be the same. Perhaps now I know the mould I can break out of it. I’m keeping my friends, the real ones I already have, close by to help me through. That is something I can hold onto, the fact I do have some real friends already which proves that there are more people out there like them.

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Weeds

Weed, verb; remove an inferior or unwanted component of a group or collection.

How many weeds do you know of?

How many social groups can you name that are being treated like weeds?

In Britain today we have political groups trying to remove Eastern Europeans from the country. Why I hear you ask? Because they are coming here and stealing the jobs from British people that should have first pick.

The reality isn’t the propaganda that is spilled on the news by groups like UKIP. In fact most of these people do the jobs that no one else wants to do. They work several of them a week and all hours that they can just for a better life. The jobs are always there for the taking only it has become far too easy for British people to sit down and collect benefits rather than to do an honest days work.

I once met a girl who told me that she was quitting work so that she could claim benefits all because she was getting more money doing that than actually putting in the hours.

I am not saying that everyone on state benefits is a fraud. There are vast number of people out there who really depend on it. The irony is that those that need it are made to jump through hoops and the ones that don’t are given a free ride.

Trump wants to ban all Muslims from coming into America. Tag those that are already living there like cattle. America, home of the free, slowly turning into Nazi Germany

Israel commits genocide while the world does nothing. Riding the world of the Palestinian plague that made the land home long before the Zionist state first lay claim to it.

Countless people suffering and dying and being killed in the streets because they are not wanted/ belong in the place that they have only ever called home.

People need to wake up and see what is actually going on around us. We cannot be blindly led by our dark minded leaders and government controlled media.

A weed is only a weed if you want it to be. We give it its name. We pick what it is and we choose to destroy it.

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Loneliness

Is it so difficult to admit that you are lonely? Yes.

When we think of people being lonely we often think of an elderly person who lives on their own and has had all of their children grow up and move out, only to forget them. They spend their days watching TV and ripping up paper just to give themselves something to do while they wait for that last day to pass. We don’t often think of a twenty something person with a full time job working in customer service who greets you every day with a smile on their face.

But that is reality. Loneliness affects us all and it’s not a crime to admit it. We all from time to time feel that we are on our own looking for someone in our lives to talk to. However, there are some of us that feel this pain almost every day.

I admit that I feel lonely most days. Which people would most certainly think odd seeing as though I live with family, my social media network looks like I am having the time of my life and I seldom have a free moment to sit to do nothing. Yet despite all that, I am.

When I get home after work there is no one that I can sit down to talk about the issues of the day; no one to eat with me; and worst of all, no one just to give me a hug for the sake of it. Everyone else in my life, understandably, have things going on in their own life that takes up all of their time.

If it wasn’t for my phone and computer I don’t think I would speak to anyone outside my working hours and it’s not because I don’t try. Unlike some people I will talk to almost anyone. However with my mental illness creating barriers were it can and the lack of opportunities to meet people in a neutral environment without looking like a weirdo, I guess I have become stuck.

On this occasion I don’t really have the answer. I don’t know what will fix this broken link in our community. Maybe it’s something that cannot be fixed so quickly. Maybe we need time to think about this and work out a solution together. I guess just having an initial awareness of the problem can help us see when others are suffering from it, maybe then we can work together to fix it.

The most important thing to remember is loneliness is not how we have always thought it to be. It is more complex but no less serious.

If you have ideas share them and let’s work together.

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Hate

After having a conversation with my family I came to a conclusion on the topic of hate. The heated discussion that was taking place in my living room was between one side of my family whom have strong religious beliefs against the other that have none. The argument that was presented was the religion is a source of evil. It creates divides and fuels wars.

I can understand where this thought has come from seeing as though that in the media all we ever hear is about one group of people killing another with faith as the motivator.

I didn’t stay in the discussion for too long as it was getting a little to intense for my liking but I went away to reflect on it. Later the same week I was talking to some other friends and a similar theme came up again. This time however it wasn’t religion that caused the hate but a birth mark. With one of my friends having a mark on his face suffered ill treatment from some people in his cultural background as they took this as a bad omen.

The same with another friend who is gay and his culture pushed him out because of his orientation.

If you take away these factors from culture, society or ethnic group there would be something else that would come up triggering the need to hate.

My conclusion is that people need someone to point the finger at. There is some deep down need for us to find a social boggy-man or monster that we can collectively push all our negativity towards so that we don’t keep it inside.

I can’t say that it is the right thing to do when individuals or groups are targeted but I can see how some religions use a devil as a form to channel this emotion. As a people we need to find healthy ways to express our emotions as the current way is only causing pain.

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