My medication story

Like most people when I started showing signs of ill mental health I went to the doctor. I didn’t really know much about what was going on or what I should do (I was only 16 at the time and no one had spoken to me about it before).

To treat symptoms of anxiety (as it was classed at the time) the Dr gave me beater blockers. As he was a Dr I took them. He didn’t tell me what they did or what they were for or if there were any side effects.

When i started having a bad reaction to them I stopped taking then. Reluctant as I was to go against the Dr my friends convinced me they were not the best thing.

For a few years after that I tried managing without meds and with the help of therapy I was doing ok.

When I had another down fall and I was again given drugs to deal with it. Not in a stable frame of mind I took them without question. I lost a number of days on them which promoted me to stop taking them aswell.

Needless to say it wasn’t long before I was on pills again. I had tried to do without them and failed. I was reluctant at first and after 6 months of trial and error I found ones that work for me.

I’ve been on them now for 5 years. The idea of ever coming off them terrifies me. I don’t want to go back to that dark place.

The same can be said about trying a new pill as the journey to get here was more horrifying than I can describe.

My advice to anyone considering medication is to ask questions.  If you can’t do it on your own take someone to the appointments that can. It’s your body and you should be comfortable about what goes in it.

Whether you chose to medicate or not  it’s your choice. Trial and error is ok as well. It is whatever works for you.

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My Mental Health. The Continued Journey 

Hi everyone, in this episode I am going to talk to about the ongoing struggle I have with mental illness.

I feel it is important to say that when you have a clinical mental illness there is rarely an all out cure for it. There will be good times and bad times. We need both so that we can recognise what each of them mean to us.

When I was at my lowest points, I was sometimes able to remember the times I wasn’t suffering. With each good time that came up I was adding to my memory bank, storing up all the data to use to help me through the bad times.

As I mentioned in the last video it took some time for me to get use to the idea of honestly opening up which meant that during most of my twenties I struggled with dealing with each problem as they arose. I had bottled up a lot of things and I wasn’t getting help I needed.

What I really needed was for someone to tell me that I had to go to appointments I had to seek advice and for the therapist I was seeing to make me feel safe enough to tell them everything that was going on. But like most adults you are expected to know what it is you need even if your thoughts are not all that coherent.

So lets talk about my early twenties. During this time I was still drinking, I was going out for wild nights with my friends and was shutting out my family from what was going on within me. Religion was still absent from my life so I was trying to make do without. People hadn’t changed their story that I was rejected from faith so I hadn’t tried to look for it.

I was also starting to lose my physical health as well. Having evolved my eating disorder into something bigger than it was, meant that I was losing a lot of weight and the strength of my immune system was failing. I picked up every virus or bug that was going around.

Everything I was doing was a way for me to find control of my life. I didn’t have the control over how people made me feel, or my frequent anxiety attacks or the depression. What food went into my body and the damage that I could inflict to the outside of it I could control. After losing three stone in one month and slashing open my arms with cuts far deeper than I had intended I knew I had to change.

I looked for support with other people who were like me and I was lucky to find a group that did just the trick. It was an online forum for LGBT people of my faith and through them I was able to find my religion again. I wasn’t alone.

Don’t worry I’m not going to preach the word of God to you. I need to explain that as this was a big part of my childhood to have it back in my adulthood meant that I regained something that was missing from me. What I did was I read book after book, to gain understanding and to make up my own mind on how I worshipped God. Even to this day people try and tell me that they know the mind of God. No one does, you just have to learn, find your own way and practise as best as you can.

It helped. I had direction again. I had a reason to keep going on, something more than just looking after my pets or helping my family. Also I best tell you that even though I was treated unkindly by some of my family I still did everything I could to help them. Glutton for punishment you might say; its just the way I am.

My view of myself during this time was that I wasn’t really worth anything to the people in my life, not unless I had some use to them.

I had a commitment to faith and my pets and I was writing books which I really wanted to finish and so I carried on.

It is one of the benefits of having OCD. You don’t often allow work to go unfinished.

At the start of my twenties I had begun writing a series of books. It was a way of getting my artistic flare going seeing as though the dream of being the next big thing in opera was quickly going away. The books themselves were a great way to document the things that were going on in my life. How I was feeling and thinking all went into them. If someone upset me, it went into the book as a clever plot twist. If I had made a new friend in it went. No longer was it all in my head it was out on paper and because I hadn’t done it in the form of a diary it meant that I was just telling a story. It helped keep me going.


It may help you to find your outlet. If you do, share it.


Love, peace and good mental health.

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10 Facts of kindness 

1. Free. No cost to those who spread it or get it.

2. Self replenishing. It will never run out no matter how much you give.

3. Feels good. That one explains itself I think.

4. Contagious. Like a virus it spreads about quickly but unlike a virus no damage is done.

5. Simple. No need to be fancy, a smile can be just prefect.

6. Quick. Not alot of time is required. It can be as quick as a hug or as long as… well however long you like really.

7. Anyone can do it. Another one that explains itself. 

8. Universal. Can be done all over the world without need for translation.

9. No training required. Just do to others as you would like them to do to you.

10. No time restraint. You can start now. So get on and do it.
Much love xxx

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My Mental Health. Beginnings 

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Muslims Against Terrorism

This is a message to all terrorists that claim to act in the name of Islam. This is a message for all those that who incite fear, pain, suffering and cruelty to others. Those that oppress the weak, bully vulnerable and kill the innocent. This is a message from us, the united Muslims of the world, to tell you that you do not do this in the name of Islam. You do not do this for us, our people, our nations or in the aim to please our Allah. You do this for yourselves.

Islam means peace. Your terror does not bring that.

As Muslims we believe in the onness of God, the teachings of his messengers, of the last day and how we will be judged for by our deeds. We believe in community (working together to create a safe environment for us to live, learn and grow). We believe in education; not only for our children but to also teach our non-Muslim friends on our way of life. We believe in tolerance for one another; to live side by side with people that see the world differently in the hope that through observing our way of life they may join us one day. We believe in kindness; to help our neighbour in their time of need, to look after the less fortunate in our community along with caring for those that struggle to care for themselves.

Unlike you we do not believe in killing innocent people in the plan to bring fear to the worlds nations. Unlike you we do not believe in oppressing women, treating them as lesser people than their male counterparts. Unlike you we do not believe in taking our own lives with the ambition of taking lives of others around us. Unlike you we do not believe in hate.

Remember the holy Quran says, “If anyone slays a person, it would be as if he slew the whole people: and if any one saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of the whole people.”

To you terrorist that falsely claim to act in the name of Islam we give you this warning. We banish you from our homes, mosques, places of work and countries. We will help find you when you hide amongst us, report you, call you out and stop you. We will not allow you to preach anger and hate to our people, recruit our young to join you selfish cause and restrict our freedoms.

We the united Muslims against terrorism stand against you and say “not in our name” and we will stop you.

***If you agree share this post and add you name and picture if possible.***20160709_160154

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My Mental Health. Most recent events.

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The Man in the Mirror

WARNING – there may be some upsetting images. 
For my regular readers you will know that animal and planet welfare is something I am passionate about. And even though I don’t want to make it regular complaint I did want to share with you my feelings on some of the events I have become aware of.

We in the western countries feel privileged or better educated than some other countries in our moral stance on animal rights. Together we campaign against the Yulin dog meat festival, bear bile farms, the ivory trade and a host of other acts of cruelty.

Inspite of this in the last year the following animals have become extinct

Northern White Rhino 

Amur Leopard (30 considered left in the wild)

South China Tiger


Hawaiian Crow

Javan Rhinos

These animals have gone due to human action. In the coming years many more are likely to disappear as well, animals such as the vaquita. This small marine porpoise was only discovered in 1958 and already it is almost wiped out. 


But it must be said that we in the west are not blameless. We speak in out rage on how animals are treated in Asian and Africa. How they are abused and butchered. However we have failed to look at the way we treat animals in our own countries. In Britain, despite the ban, fox hunting is still rife along with cock and dog fights. Creatures are put against each other to see which one would tear the other apart first. 


Our meat industry is a thing of horror stories. If we look at chicken farms where life from egg to store is just a conveyer belt journey, we see the animals that are pumped up full of growth hormones that they cannot support their own weight. Other livestock see a similar fate by being force fed, caged and killed at young ages.


Beyond our consumption needs we test on animals chemicals we wouldn’t dare try on humans. One such incident told of a mother chimp that had each of her children taken away for testing. The last one she clung on to for dear life knowing what would happen and didn’t want to lose her child.


Then we have our classic hypocrites that travel overseas to hunt and kill animals in the wild the name of sport and trophy. I cannot believe that to shoot down a defenceless animal is a sport.


And finally we have our celebrated public figures that dress themselves in furs paid by their fans.

We need to change the way we think and act. We need to change how we treat our animals. And most of all we need to change how we treat people that commit such crimes.

This world is for everyone but humans are killing it.


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